The Dream (Nightmare) Comes True: Corporations are People!

The Dream (Nightmare) Comes True: Corporations are People!

Bowing to the inevitable, the Federal Election Commission unveiled new guidelines this morning that would allow corporations to seek public office.

Bowing to the inevitable, the Federal Election Commission unveiled new guidelines this morning that would allow corporations to seek public office.

“We’re effectively eliminating the middleman or middlewoman—the candidate, “ said FEC Chair Ann Ravel. “Instead of expressing their interests through donations and fundraisers for candidate parties and PACs, corporations can appeal directly to the people for consideration,” said Ravel in a press conference this morning. “After all the trouble we’ve had regulating campaign donations and interactions between corporations and candidates, we at the FEC felt that it would be simpler for all those involved if corporations were just allowed to run.”

Many corporations already have jumped aboard the 2016 train, with some corporations even running on both tickets. Conveniently, most of these corporations had formed exploratory committees considering a presidential run years ago, allowing them to fundraise massively, even while repeatedly insisting that they were “still testing the waters” about running.

Asked how the FEC plans to ensure that elections are still fair and free, Ravel said a solution was on her “to-do list, right after figuring out what the 14th Amendment is and learning how to use something called Snapchat.”

The public will no doubt need time to adjust to this new change, but newly appointed FEC spokesman Ronald McDonald said it’s only a matter of time until people realize that directly electing corporations is the best way to govern a country, just as “the best way to eat Chicken McNuggets is with an ice cold Sweet Tea, now only $1 at your local participating McDonalds!”

A New Hampshire voter expressed his discomfort, saying “at first I was wary of such a change and how it might fundamentally shake the foundation of our democracy, but then I went to the Toyota/Nabisco 2016 rally and they were giving out Camrys filled with Oreos, so I guess it can’t be all bad.”

Some corporations have orchestrated massive mergers in order to present a united front in the 2016 election. Pfizer, Inc. and Verizon Communications have merged to form Pferizon, while Wal-Mart and ExxonMobil have morphed into Wal-Mobil. Wal-Mobil did not respond to a request for comment, but did send along a coupon for a free Norpro 1705 Grip-EZ Jumbo Slotted Spatula with the purchase of equal or greater value natural gas reserves.

Donald Trump’s recent declaration of candidacy has presented one of the first challenges to the FEC’s new guidelines. The agency is struggling to decide whether Trump is a corporation running as a person or a person running as a corporation. The Supreme Court, however, is expected to rule that Trump’s hair must declare separate candidacy for office in the upcoming case Combover United v. FEC.

Don’t let this nightmare become reality — overturn Citizens United today.